i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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