my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
