Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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