Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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