My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
