Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
