I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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