So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
