Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's rum buckets o'clock
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
