Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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