dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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