i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
