Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
