i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
