He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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