she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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