Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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