I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
