He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
