The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
