god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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