i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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