you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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