I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
