do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Welp...herpes.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
