I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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