Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
