i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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