Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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