Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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