Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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