Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
