She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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