I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
