Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
