My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
