I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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