I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
