how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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