It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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