my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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