gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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