But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm having to shit out rocks
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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