i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
