either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
