I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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