I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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