my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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