I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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