I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
